After recently disentangling from an unhealthy romantic relationship, I found a 12-step group called "Co-Dependants Anonymous, CODA for short. If you have relationship issues, I suggest checking out their website. They have good information that can help you identify if you have this problem.
Relationships lend themselves to co-dependance anyway. The relationship between parent and child is necessarily co-dependant for a while, in order for the child to grow properly. The trick, then, is in letting go, which in my experience can be heart-wrenching, but absolutely necessary for the mental health of the grown child and the parent. Of course, books and movies are tributes to many co-dependant relationships. No wonder we have issues with each other.
I find it particularly interesting that, while CODA members are not homogenous in any other way, 100% of all co-dependants had physically and/or emotionally abusive childhoods. What happened is that the vulnerable child was not taught or encouraged to love her/himself as a child. They have not had healthy love modeled for them, and they have a tendency to seek out other co-dependants who will treat them the same way the abusive parent treated them. In sounds sick but it actually makes sense: "This person loves me like I'm used to. It feels comfortable to me. It must be love."
So are we destined to be messed up for life? I'm hoping no. I'm hoping that by bringing the problem into the light, I can understand it, recognize it, and change the way my brain processes the way I see myself and how I deserve to be treated. I'm counting on it.
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