I haven't heard from my ex-boyfriend in a week. This is very unusual. It's the first time it's happened since I met him. I think I made him angry when I dropped off his mail at his friend's house. Either he has finally given up, or he is trying to teach me a lesson. His motivation doesn't matter. What matters is how I respond to his absence.
It isn't a helpful relationship. His life is a mess. He is a mess. On many levels, I am relieved that he has quit calling, leaving multiple voicemail messages every day. It has helped me focus more on the life I want. On another level, the sick level that drew me to him in the first place, I miss him. I miss knowing where he is. I miss knowing that he loves me. I guess I'm learning that no matter what the circumstances, it's hard for me to let someone go who loves me. That might be normal. I don't know any more.
A friend was over to dinner one day this past week. She showed me her profile on "Plenty of Fish," a free online dating site. On one of my sick days, I was bored, so I thought I'd check it out. I discovered that you can't even look unless you have your own profile, so I filled one out. Then it asked me to download a photo, so I did. It all felt weird.
One guy wanted to chat right away, and asked me to call him on the phone minutes after I'd finished my profile. I didn't. He was creepy. I found a man whose profile looked interesting, so I sent him a message telling him I was interested in him. He asked me to email him a full body photo! Are you kidding me? That's the first thing he said! I told him I was no longer interested and deleted my profile from the website. It all felt so seedy and creepy to me. I liked noticing that I wouldn't let myself be treated that way. I must have some regard for myself. Yay!
Whenever I need a refresher course on how I'd like to be treated as a woman, I watch the movie, "Sense and Sensibilities." The protagonist, Eleanor, is of the finest character. She is noble and kind. She also has a manner of self-respect. I get the feeling that she would rather spend her life as a spinster than marry a man who is less than honorable. That's how I want to be. Because of her own nature, if Eleanor were to spend her life alone, she would no doubt make wonderful contributions to her community, and would most likely lead a fine life. With her man of honor, however, she will be much happier, and she will blossom even more with his love. That's the kind of love I seek. I want to love myself and others with kindness and honor. If I am then lucky enough to find romance, I will be doubly happy. And if there is no such man to come my way, I will live a life of love and honor anyway.
My goal is to not jump into another less than honorable relationship, and not to settle for someone whose character is questionable, or whose treatment of me is less than respectful. If I love myself, I will not settle for less. I'm sure I'll get over the phone call thing.
No comments:
Post a Comment