I haven't heard from my ex-boyfriend in a week. This is very unusual. It's the first time it's happened since I met him. I think I made him angry when I dropped off his mail at his friend's house. Either he has finally given up, or he is trying to teach me a lesson. His motivation doesn't matter. What matters is how I respond to his absence.
It isn't a helpful relationship. His life is a mess. He is a mess. On many levels, I am relieved that he has quit calling, leaving multiple voicemail messages every day. It has helped me focus more on the life I want. On another level, the sick level that drew me to him in the first place, I miss him. I miss knowing where he is. I miss knowing that he loves me. I guess I'm learning that no matter what the circumstances, it's hard for me to let someone go who loves me. That might be normal. I don't know any more.
A friend was over to dinner one day this past week. She showed me her profile on "Plenty of Fish," a free online dating site. On one of my sick days, I was bored, so I thought I'd check it out. I discovered that you can't even look unless you have your own profile, so I filled one out. Then it asked me to download a photo, so I did. It all felt weird.
One guy wanted to chat right away, and asked me to call him on the phone minutes after I'd finished my profile. I didn't. He was creepy. I found a man whose profile looked interesting, so I sent him a message telling him I was interested in him. He asked me to email him a full body photo! Are you kidding me? That's the first thing he said! I told him I was no longer interested and deleted my profile from the website. It all felt so seedy and creepy to me. I liked noticing that I wouldn't let myself be treated that way. I must have some regard for myself. Yay!
Whenever I need a refresher course on how I'd like to be treated as a woman, I watch the movie, "Sense and Sensibilities." The protagonist, Eleanor, is of the finest character. She is noble and kind. She also has a manner of self-respect. I get the feeling that she would rather spend her life as a spinster than marry a man who is less than honorable. That's how I want to be. Because of her own nature, if Eleanor were to spend her life alone, she would no doubt make wonderful contributions to her community, and would most likely lead a fine life. With her man of honor, however, she will be much happier, and she will blossom even more with his love. That's the kind of love I seek. I want to love myself and others with kindness and honor. If I am then lucky enough to find romance, I will be doubly happy. And if there is no such man to come my way, I will live a life of love and honor anyway.
My goal is to not jump into another less than honorable relationship, and not to settle for someone whose character is questionable, or whose treatment of me is less than respectful. If I love myself, I will not settle for less. I'm sure I'll get over the phone call thing.
Saturday, January 7, 2012
Progress Report
First of all, I must confess to having watched tv twice this past week. I was a-bed with a cold, and they hadn't turned it off yet, so....I succumbed, just a little. I will tell you that I didn't watch for very long, I muted the commercials, and it was pretty unsatisfying.
My biggest struggle right now is loneliness. I live alone and I don't work. Hours and hours of unstructured time. Days and days of me, myself, and I. I have learned that when I'm uncomfortable with that, I need to get present. Thich Naht Hahn has a wonderful technique I've been using. Breathe in, and say, "I calm myself." Breathe out, and say, "I smile as I breath out." Breathe in again, "I am present in this moment." Breathe out, "This is a wonderful moment." It really works.
I didn't want to go to the CODA meeting this morning because I often feel rejected there. A few go out to lunch after group, and it took weeks before they invited me. When I did go, I felt like an outsider. When I share in group, I sometimes feel like I'm hitting a wrong note for them. People don't rush to talk to me after group the way they seem to talk to others. Usually I do really well in groups, so this situation has puzzled me.
Today being Saturday, I wanted to have some fun. Even though I don't have a workweek anymore, I still tend to follow the rhythm of a workweek. I like it, and it has been my rhythm my whole life. So, when Saturday rolls around, I'd like to do something different. Have some fun. I didn't have any plans with friends, so I accepted the fact that I was on my own. I really centered myself this morning, and I was in a very sweet place when I went to group. I decided to just be present. I didn't need to prove anything, or get anyone to like me, or even like being there. I just needed to be present with whatever was.
It worked beautifully. I enjoyed the meeting, and more importantly, because I was complete within myself, I was able to extend love to two people who needed it. It was genuine expression and they knew it, and I think it helped them. And I was so happy to have helped, to have given them the love they needed. So very happy.
Afterwards, I drove to the restaurant where they usually have lunch. When I went inside, no one was there. I waited a little while, and then I left. When I got to my car, I saw two members walking into the restaurant, but since I had already started the car, I took it as a sign that I should just keep going, so I did. I drove downtown, asking myself where I'd like to have lunch, a rare treat for me these days. I remembered a Tibetan/Nepalese restaurant I loved, and lo and behold, a perfect parking place was waiting for me. Not only was the food excellent and nutritious, but a Tibetan monk came in to dine with his friends, and they invited me to their open house of a new dharma center tomorrow! I LOVE Tibetan monks. I am planning to go. And it just so happens that tomorrow is the one Sunday of the month when I am not performing in church myself, so I am free to go. This feels like a setup!
After lunch, I went to the Downtown Market, where I very pleasantly shopped through all the unique booths. I found a pair of new-looking Columbia sandals for only $15, 2 huge cups for tea at $1 each, and a funky leather bracelet that I love. It was fun, and I talked to several sweet people. I love this town.
I felt it was time to come home. When I did, it felt like I should go for a walk. It was just barely sprinkling, so I wore a hat and went anyway, taking my time, watching the sky, the squirrels, the birds. I even stopped to sit on a bench and soak up the sweetness. I did a little walking meditation as I went. On the way back, I ran into three neighbors who were also out. I had very nice, relaxed conversations with them all, conversations where I wasn't trying to get any needs met. I was just happy to be outside, happy to be talking to them, peaceful in my heart. I noticed how well they responded to that, and how satisfying our encounters were.
Tonight, after a healthy and satisfying dinner, I sit here writing, listening to the rain on the roof, perfectly content. I created a blissful Saturday for myself. I didn't need a party or a lunch date or to create busy-ness just for the sake of being busy. I stayed in the moment and listened to the promptings of Spirit. I want to live that way every day. I want to live my life in the moment, walking in love.
My biggest struggle right now is loneliness. I live alone and I don't work. Hours and hours of unstructured time. Days and days of me, myself, and I. I have learned that when I'm uncomfortable with that, I need to get present. Thich Naht Hahn has a wonderful technique I've been using. Breathe in, and say, "I calm myself." Breathe out, and say, "I smile as I breath out." Breathe in again, "I am present in this moment." Breathe out, "This is a wonderful moment." It really works.
I didn't want to go to the CODA meeting this morning because I often feel rejected there. A few go out to lunch after group, and it took weeks before they invited me. When I did go, I felt like an outsider. When I share in group, I sometimes feel like I'm hitting a wrong note for them. People don't rush to talk to me after group the way they seem to talk to others. Usually I do really well in groups, so this situation has puzzled me.
Today being Saturday, I wanted to have some fun. Even though I don't have a workweek anymore, I still tend to follow the rhythm of a workweek. I like it, and it has been my rhythm my whole life. So, when Saturday rolls around, I'd like to do something different. Have some fun. I didn't have any plans with friends, so I accepted the fact that I was on my own. I really centered myself this morning, and I was in a very sweet place when I went to group. I decided to just be present. I didn't need to prove anything, or get anyone to like me, or even like being there. I just needed to be present with whatever was.
It worked beautifully. I enjoyed the meeting, and more importantly, because I was complete within myself, I was able to extend love to two people who needed it. It was genuine expression and they knew it, and I think it helped them. And I was so happy to have helped, to have given them the love they needed. So very happy.
Afterwards, I drove to the restaurant where they usually have lunch. When I went inside, no one was there. I waited a little while, and then I left. When I got to my car, I saw two members walking into the restaurant, but since I had already started the car, I took it as a sign that I should just keep going, so I did. I drove downtown, asking myself where I'd like to have lunch, a rare treat for me these days. I remembered a Tibetan/Nepalese restaurant I loved, and lo and behold, a perfect parking place was waiting for me. Not only was the food excellent and nutritious, but a Tibetan monk came in to dine with his friends, and they invited me to their open house of a new dharma center tomorrow! I LOVE Tibetan monks. I am planning to go. And it just so happens that tomorrow is the one Sunday of the month when I am not performing in church myself, so I am free to go. This feels like a setup!
After lunch, I went to the Downtown Market, where I very pleasantly shopped through all the unique booths. I found a pair of new-looking Columbia sandals for only $15, 2 huge cups for tea at $1 each, and a funky leather bracelet that I love. It was fun, and I talked to several sweet people. I love this town.
I felt it was time to come home. When I did, it felt like I should go for a walk. It was just barely sprinkling, so I wore a hat and went anyway, taking my time, watching the sky, the squirrels, the birds. I even stopped to sit on a bench and soak up the sweetness. I did a little walking meditation as I went. On the way back, I ran into three neighbors who were also out. I had very nice, relaxed conversations with them all, conversations where I wasn't trying to get any needs met. I was just happy to be outside, happy to be talking to them, peaceful in my heart. I noticed how well they responded to that, and how satisfying our encounters were.
Tonight, after a healthy and satisfying dinner, I sit here writing, listening to the rain on the roof, perfectly content. I created a blissful Saturday for myself. I didn't need a party or a lunch date or to create busy-ness just for the sake of being busy. I stayed in the moment and listened to the promptings of Spirit. I want to live that way every day. I want to live my life in the moment, walking in love.
Monday, January 2, 2012
Bye-bye TV
One of the things I'm doing for myself this year, in order to love myself more, is I'm having the Cable TV turned off. Why? I live alone. I found myself zoning out in front of the tv every night. It's not good for me for several reasons. 1) I tend to eat in front of the tv, and the food choices I make often have nothing to do with hunger. This activity is not healthy for me, and since I love me, I'm pulling the plug on it. 2) I realize that in order to be this wonderful loving support for myself, I need to actually have a relationship with my Self. Relationships require quality time and attention. With the tv off, I have time to spend with me. I am more likely to write, dance, read a book, play guitar, go to bed early, and other healthy activities. It also encourages me to develop hobbies, to get out of the house more, and to enjoy a peaceful home. It has so many benefits, really. 3) TV is mostly junk food for the brain. I've gotten so that I hate commercials. And I don't like the idea that tv programmers and advertisers have so much influence over the way my brain works. Advertisers emphasize deficiencies and encourage shame around body size, bad breath, teeth not white enough, car not new enough, etc. etc. I want out of the "Need More Stuff" mentality.
So I haven't turned the tv on for four days. My house is so peaceful. I admit to having little panic thoughts when evening rolls around and a whole empty evening alone is in front of me. But when I relax into it and just do the next thing, the evening unfolds itself, and I end up having a nice time.
I've been listening to a lot more music. I've done some reading. I watched one dvd movie. It wasn't that great. I will admit to you that I have an advantage over someone who has never experienced life without tv. I had Amish grandparents. They had no running water, no electricity, and certainly no tv throughout my childhood years. I often stayed with them on their farm, along with my brothers and sisters. I got to see firsthand, and to experience firsthand, a life without modern conveniences and without tv. It was very peaceful. I always came back from a week on the farm with a quiet mind and a gentler heart.
Sometimes, when I worry about spending so much time alone without tv, I think about my Amish grandmother and the life she led. Even after my grandfather died, after she got a little house of her own with electricity and plumbing, she never got a television set. She lived happily alone, stuck out on a farm. She was always busy, but with a gentle contentment to be present in her life, happy to do whatever task she was doing. In the warmer months, she worked in her garden. Her gnarled, bony hands moved quickly in the rich dirt. She raised all of her own vegetables and canned them every year to see her through the winter months.
In the winter, she did a lot of sewing, making quilts, mending clothes. She also wrote letters to people, read her bible, and spent ample time in prayer. She baked her own bread and cleaned out cupboards, planned next year's garden, grew plants from seeds. She listened to the Christian radio station as she worked. She seemed very happy and never complained about her life. She had been raised Amish, after all, and a simple life where one was present in the simplest tasks was second nature to her. I am grateful for the example. Honestly, the days I have spent without tv have been very pleasant. I don't think I would have been nearly as satisfied with my life and myself had I been home by myself this much with the tv on.
And so, after my 4 day experiment, I am convinced that this is the healthiest choice for me. Tomorrow, when all the little Charter kids are back at work, I will call and have the tv officially turned off. While I'm at it, I'm going to go to Best Buy and buy one of those telephone links so that I can get my telephone service through my internet connection. I can keep my phone number, and my phone service will only end up costing me $100 for the whole year, as opposed to $40/month. So...that's a self-caring thing to do, isn't it? Save myself some money and simplify my life.
Of course, the winter weather hasn't really been bad until today. The wind howls outside. The holidays were fun, with plenty of parties and socializing to distract me. Stay tuned to see if my good intentions end up making me crazy when the newness wears off. Let's see if Grandma Mary's life works for me when I've been alone and snowed in for days. It's worth a shot because I am worth loving. At least, that's what I'm trying to find out.
So I haven't turned the tv on for four days. My house is so peaceful. I admit to having little panic thoughts when evening rolls around and a whole empty evening alone is in front of me. But when I relax into it and just do the next thing, the evening unfolds itself, and I end up having a nice time.
I've been listening to a lot more music. I've done some reading. I watched one dvd movie. It wasn't that great. I will admit to you that I have an advantage over someone who has never experienced life without tv. I had Amish grandparents. They had no running water, no electricity, and certainly no tv throughout my childhood years. I often stayed with them on their farm, along with my brothers and sisters. I got to see firsthand, and to experience firsthand, a life without modern conveniences and without tv. It was very peaceful. I always came back from a week on the farm with a quiet mind and a gentler heart.
Sometimes, when I worry about spending so much time alone without tv, I think about my Amish grandmother and the life she led. Even after my grandfather died, after she got a little house of her own with electricity and plumbing, she never got a television set. She lived happily alone, stuck out on a farm. She was always busy, but with a gentle contentment to be present in her life, happy to do whatever task she was doing. In the warmer months, she worked in her garden. Her gnarled, bony hands moved quickly in the rich dirt. She raised all of her own vegetables and canned them every year to see her through the winter months.
In the winter, she did a lot of sewing, making quilts, mending clothes. She also wrote letters to people, read her bible, and spent ample time in prayer. She baked her own bread and cleaned out cupboards, planned next year's garden, grew plants from seeds. She listened to the Christian radio station as she worked. She seemed very happy and never complained about her life. She had been raised Amish, after all, and a simple life where one was present in the simplest tasks was second nature to her. I am grateful for the example. Honestly, the days I have spent without tv have been very pleasant. I don't think I would have been nearly as satisfied with my life and myself had I been home by myself this much with the tv on.
And so, after my 4 day experiment, I am convinced that this is the healthiest choice for me. Tomorrow, when all the little Charter kids are back at work, I will call and have the tv officially turned off. While I'm at it, I'm going to go to Best Buy and buy one of those telephone links so that I can get my telephone service through my internet connection. I can keep my phone number, and my phone service will only end up costing me $100 for the whole year, as opposed to $40/month. So...that's a self-caring thing to do, isn't it? Save myself some money and simplify my life.
Of course, the winter weather hasn't really been bad until today. The wind howls outside. The holidays were fun, with plenty of parties and socializing to distract me. Stay tuned to see if my good intentions end up making me crazy when the newness wears off. Let's see if Grandma Mary's life works for me when I've been alone and snowed in for days. It's worth a shot because I am worth loving. At least, that's what I'm trying to find out.
Where did this lack of self-esteem come from?
After recently disentangling from an unhealthy romantic relationship, I found a 12-step group called "Co-Dependants Anonymous, CODA for short. If you have relationship issues, I suggest checking out their website. They have good information that can help you identify if you have this problem.
Relationships lend themselves to co-dependance anyway. The relationship between parent and child is necessarily co-dependant for a while, in order for the child to grow properly. The trick, then, is in letting go, which in my experience can be heart-wrenching, but absolutely necessary for the mental health of the grown child and the parent. Of course, books and movies are tributes to many co-dependant relationships. No wonder we have issues with each other.
I find it particularly interesting that, while CODA members are not homogenous in any other way, 100% of all co-dependants had physically and/or emotionally abusive childhoods. What happened is that the vulnerable child was not taught or encouraged to love her/himself as a child. They have not had healthy love modeled for them, and they have a tendency to seek out other co-dependants who will treat them the same way the abusive parent treated them. In sounds sick but it actually makes sense: "This person loves me like I'm used to. It feels comfortable to me. It must be love."
So are we destined to be messed up for life? I'm hoping no. I'm hoping that by bringing the problem into the light, I can understand it, recognize it, and change the way my brain processes the way I see myself and how I deserve to be treated. I'm counting on it.
Relationships lend themselves to co-dependance anyway. The relationship between parent and child is necessarily co-dependant for a while, in order for the child to grow properly. The trick, then, is in letting go, which in my experience can be heart-wrenching, but absolutely necessary for the mental health of the grown child and the parent. Of course, books and movies are tributes to many co-dependant relationships. No wonder we have issues with each other.
I find it particularly interesting that, while CODA members are not homogenous in any other way, 100% of all co-dependants had physically and/or emotionally abusive childhoods. What happened is that the vulnerable child was not taught or encouraged to love her/himself as a child. They have not had healthy love modeled for them, and they have a tendency to seek out other co-dependants who will treat them the same way the abusive parent treated them. In sounds sick but it actually makes sense: "This person loves me like I'm used to. It feels comfortable to me. It must be love."
So are we destined to be messed up for life? I'm hoping no. I'm hoping that by bringing the problem into the light, I can understand it, recognize it, and change the way my brain processes the way I see myself and how I deserve to be treated. I'm counting on it.
Julie & Julia & Ellie
I got the idea for this blog after watching the movie "Julie & Julia." I know the story is about cooking, as seen through the lives of Julia Child and the modern young woman named Julie, who decides to cook every one of Julia Child's recipes in a year and blog about it. But if you watch the movie, you'll see it's actually a love story. Both of these accompished women had wonderful, supportive husbands who adored them and stuck by them through thick or thin, believing in their abilities without fail.
Lucky them. At the end of the movie, I found myself tearing up, feeling sorry for myself because I didn't have a wonderful husband, and had, in fact, never had a relationship that was so supportive. "That's why I haven't accomplished more with my talents," I surmised. "I've been cheated in life by never having the support I needed."
Then I imagined how I might function in relationship with one of those adoring perfect husbands. I realized that most likely I'd become so dependant on said husband's approval, that I'd turn the whole thing into some kind of dysfunctional, co-dependant situation. I mean, if I'm being honest.....
A lightbulb lit for me, and I recognized that I needed to develop that kind of unconditional love and support for myself. Perhaps if I could learn to love myself on that level, I might eventually attract and retain a healthy relationship. Of course after having learned to love and support myself, I'd be better on my own anyway. Win-Win.
I have decided to apply myself to this task for the next year: I will do my best to learn to love myself in 2012, and I will write about it here on this blog, my first blog. I will read books and articles on the matter. I will watch my self-talk and thought processes. I will even work with a therapist if it feels like that might be helpful. I will make this task my primary focus of 2012. And I will put my findings out there, to keep me honest, to help me feel heard, and maybe to help someone else who struggles with the same issue. Anyone wanna take this ride with me?
Lucky them. At the end of the movie, I found myself tearing up, feeling sorry for myself because I didn't have a wonderful husband, and had, in fact, never had a relationship that was so supportive. "That's why I haven't accomplished more with my talents," I surmised. "I've been cheated in life by never having the support I needed."
Then I imagined how I might function in relationship with one of those adoring perfect husbands. I realized that most likely I'd become so dependant on said husband's approval, that I'd turn the whole thing into some kind of dysfunctional, co-dependant situation. I mean, if I'm being honest.....
A lightbulb lit for me, and I recognized that I needed to develop that kind of unconditional love and support for myself. Perhaps if I could learn to love myself on that level, I might eventually attract and retain a healthy relationship. Of course after having learned to love and support myself, I'd be better on my own anyway. Win-Win.
I have decided to apply myself to this task for the next year: I will do my best to learn to love myself in 2012, and I will write about it here on this blog, my first blog. I will read books and articles on the matter. I will watch my self-talk and thought processes. I will even work with a therapist if it feels like that might be helpful. I will make this task my primary focus of 2012. And I will put my findings out there, to keep me honest, to help me feel heard, and maybe to help someone else who struggles with the same issue. Anyone wanna take this ride with me?
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