First of all, I must confess to having watched tv twice this past week. I was a-bed with a cold, and they hadn't turned it off yet, so....I succumbed, just a little. I will tell you that I didn't watch for very long, I muted the commercials, and it was pretty unsatisfying.
My biggest struggle right now is loneliness. I live alone and I don't work. Hours and hours of unstructured time. Days and days of me, myself, and I. I have learned that when I'm uncomfortable with that, I need to get present. Thich Naht Hahn has a wonderful technique I've been using. Breathe in, and say, "I calm myself." Breathe out, and say, "I smile as I breath out." Breathe in again, "I am present in this moment." Breathe out, "This is a wonderful moment." It really works.
I didn't want to go to the CODA meeting this morning because I often feel rejected there. A few go out to lunch after group, and it took weeks before they invited me. When I did go, I felt like an outsider. When I share in group, I sometimes feel like I'm hitting a wrong note for them. People don't rush to talk to me after group the way they seem to talk to others. Usually I do really well in groups, so this situation has puzzled me.
Today being Saturday, I wanted to have some fun. Even though I don't have a workweek anymore, I still tend to follow the rhythm of a workweek. I like it, and it has been my rhythm my whole life. So, when Saturday rolls around, I'd like to do something different. Have some fun. I didn't have any plans with friends, so I accepted the fact that I was on my own. I really centered myself this morning, and I was in a very sweet place when I went to group. I decided to just be present. I didn't need to prove anything, or get anyone to like me, or even like being there. I just needed to be present with whatever was.
It worked beautifully. I enjoyed the meeting, and more importantly, because I was complete within myself, I was able to extend love to two people who needed it. It was genuine expression and they knew it, and I think it helped them. And I was so happy to have helped, to have given them the love they needed. So very happy.
Afterwards, I drove to the restaurant where they usually have lunch. When I went inside, no one was there. I waited a little while, and then I left. When I got to my car, I saw two members walking into the restaurant, but since I had already started the car, I took it as a sign that I should just keep going, so I did. I drove downtown, asking myself where I'd like to have lunch, a rare treat for me these days. I remembered a Tibetan/Nepalese restaurant I loved, and lo and behold, a perfect parking place was waiting for me. Not only was the food excellent and nutritious, but a Tibetan monk came in to dine with his friends, and they invited me to their open house of a new dharma center tomorrow! I LOVE Tibetan monks. I am planning to go. And it just so happens that tomorrow is the one Sunday of the month when I am not performing in church myself, so I am free to go. This feels like a setup!
After lunch, I went to the Downtown Market, where I very pleasantly shopped through all the unique booths. I found a pair of new-looking Columbia sandals for only $15, 2 huge cups for tea at $1 each, and a funky leather bracelet that I love. It was fun, and I talked to several sweet people. I love this town.
I felt it was time to come home. When I did, it felt like I should go for a walk. It was just barely sprinkling, so I wore a hat and went anyway, taking my time, watching the sky, the squirrels, the birds. I even stopped to sit on a bench and soak up the sweetness. I did a little walking meditation as I went. On the way back, I ran into three neighbors who were also out. I had very nice, relaxed conversations with them all, conversations where I wasn't trying to get any needs met. I was just happy to be outside, happy to be talking to them, peaceful in my heart. I noticed how well they responded to that, and how satisfying our encounters were.
Tonight, after a healthy and satisfying dinner, I sit here writing, listening to the rain on the roof, perfectly content. I created a blissful Saturday for myself. I didn't need a party or a lunch date or to create busy-ness just for the sake of being busy. I stayed in the moment and listened to the promptings of Spirit. I want to live that way every day. I want to live my life in the moment, walking in love.
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